New Year's Resolution

It's been a long time since my last post in this blog. It's not that i lost my appetite for writing and sharing these thoughts. But it's more like i'm pretty busy doing things, spending my last days in 2008 and getting ready for this semester's exam. 

In this post, i was planning to put on my new resolution for the next year. But due to sensitivity issues and a few minor problems, i prefer not to post them right now. In fact, i put them nicely in my Mac's desktop background so i can read it aloud every time i Log in.

But nevertheless... Whatever my plans on the next following years, i must say that 2008 is a very great year for me. A lot of things had happened to me in this year. Let's say: My first ever attempt to be a good student, relationship issues and also economical issues (heehe)... 

My point is, i've learnt much in this year. I have gained new experiences that maybe not all people can get. I've also learned a lot of very important lessons in life that in my opinion are things that most people can't get. And i'm so proud of it. I maybe still fall in the mess of those things, but at least i am still learning to survive. I don't have to wait until i'm mid 30 to get my life straight. And that's also a blessing.

I haven't really get in touch with most of my friends in year 2008. In fact i am sure that a few people already judge me wrong. But i do not mind at all. I do admit my anti-social behavior lately, but i must say... that's when my own self discovery began. That's when i realized my true self. At least from now on I will try my best to maintain a better social life.

Once again, i really can't share my resolution right now. But i am pretty sure that those resolution are the most realistic that i can think of...  

FAMILY (Father And Mother, I Love You)

Once i sat down and pray...

I asked God for His ultimate blessing for me.

I wonder what could He gave me, at my 20th birthday...

I wonder what could He gave me, so i can live my life...

And I wonder what could He gave me, after all the blessings that i've got all this time.

And then, i woke up from my bed, facing a new day, and i found that i can still see your faces every time i woke up. I still can talk to you about things, or maybe even unimportant things that i must face.

Mom & Dad,

I do realize now that you both are always there for me, you support me through times of my life and helped me grow up. You're there when i'm down or sick...

Mom & Dad,

You've taught me well. You taught me well on everything. I know my purpose in life, i know my future and it's all because of you.

Mom & Dad,

I know you have suffered a lot of hard times raising me up. I can tell from the last 20 years, you've given me a lot. Things that i could've never imagined before. 

Mom & Dad,

Everytime i thought that this life's unfair, you'll be there for me, telling me that things can be better. You told me things can be a lot worse than what i can imagined. And it's true...

Mom & Dad,

You have fought everything for me, in hope that i can be a better person in the future, yet i still mess up sometimes. And you still will never given up on me.

Mom & Dad,

You also have given everything that a boy could wish for. His life, his time, his education, and his pride. I never feel thankful enough for all that... I skipped classes sometimes, I lied sometimes, and I often gets mad at you, only to realize that i was wrong and i cried eventually.

Mom & Dad,

I don't know what kind of mess that i must put both of you all the time, but still you never given up on me. You're mad at me, but you do show that you're the one who love me so much. And once again there you stood beside me and supporting me in any mess i'm in.

And there you go, I can only put up 7 things that really makes me happy. There are still a lot to write about you but i simply can't put up good words to write down.

Those 7 things make me realize that after all this time, you are the greatest gift God gave me.

And i realize that there're no such thing that a boy could've ever wish for besides his Family.

I could never wish for a better parents than both of you. You have showed me everything, and you have showed me the best. And i will never be thankful enough for it.

Mom & Dad,

Now i know that you're the greatest gift that God ever gave me and there will be no better gift other than you. I do realize whatever mess that i'm in, I love both of you with all my heart. And i will never stop loving you til' the end of my life...

Now i feel very alive and complete. And these 20 years i spent are filled with colors just because of you. And i still have no idea how to show my gratitude...

Mom & Dad, i love you...

This December Night

10.00 PM

on the 5th of December

I'm lying on my bed

Feeling Cold

Don't know wether sad or happy this feeling inside.

This is not the same

I can tell

It's just different from the last December

*And this day, i feel like...

 i've lost a part of me.

 Feels like going closer to heaven or hell

 This Day, i feel like

 i missed my childhood, my life and

 all that used to be...

It's 10.30

Same Night

Still on my bed

Still Cold

Still can't see the light on life...

This is not the same
I can tell
It's just different from the last December

*This day i feel like,

  I've found myself

  I've found the meaning

  And i've grown

  At least i believed...

  I lost another year...

Kurang lebih begitu lirik lagu yang gw tulis tepat pada 5 Desember 2004 lampau. Udah lama banget emang. Saking lamanya, gw sendiri udah lupa banget bentuk lagunya harusnya kaya apa. Kalo mau dipakasin inget-inget, mungkin bentuknya mirip-mirip lagunya kings of convinience gitu deh, soalnya waktu itu lagi ngehype banget kayanya yang macem gitu. 

Waktu itu kepikiran aja bikin lagu macem gitu, karena emang waktu itu lagi nggak bisa tidur juga, sementara dalam waktu kurang dari 2 jam, umur udah mau nambah, dan tiba-tiba mungkin jadi banyak aja yang dipikirin. Waktu itu gw ngerasa banget, gw udah mau 16 tahun, mungkin bisa dibilang masa awal mula perkembangan remaja gw lagi hot-hotnya kali ya? hehe... Tiba-tiba aja kepikiran, gw punya rencana apa di umur segitu, udah mau bikin apa, mau ngapain di setahun berikutnya. Dan mulailah brainstorming yang berisi segala macem aspek kehidupan mulai dari masa depan, pendidikan, percintaan dan lain-lainnya... Yang ada jadi lirik lagu. Lumayan lah ya...

Gw simpen itu di buku catetan gw yang emang masih awet sampe skarang, tiba-tiba gw buka-buka lagi di bandung dan entah kenapa memori isi lagu itu masih nempel banget di kepala gw. Seakan gw baru nulis itu kemaren. Dan saat ini gw juga sadar di berapa hari terakhir kalo umur gw juga udah mau nambah. Nambahnya juga nggak tanggung-tanggung. Bentar lagi gw kepala 2. Gw ngerasa banget kalo transisi gw ke umur kepala 2 tersebut punya makna yang mungkin lebih besar. Gw bakal harus ngelepas gelar Teenager gw buat selamanya. Kata "Dewasa" itu udah pasti bakal lebih lengket lagi sama kehidupan gw sekarang. Dan tanggung jawab baru juga jelas bakalan muncul lagi bertubi-tubi.

Agak bingung sebenernya gw harus ngapain. Kalo sekedar introspeksi doang sih siapa juga pasti udah sering. Tapi abis itu ngapain? Itu yang kadang jadi pokok pikiran utama. Gw baca blog temen-temen gw tentang gimana mereka ngadepin transisi macem ini, dan ternyata masing-masing punya caranya sendiri. Ada yang celebrate kebut-kebutan di jalan sebagai simbol kegilaan remaja terakhir, ada yang langsung bikin heboh lingkungan dengan make baju SMA lagi ke kampus, ada yang langsung tiba-tiba berbuat banyak hal dengan dalih pelaksanaan tanggung jawab yang lebih... ada lagi yang cuma sekedar bikin tulisan dll... 

Terlepas dari apa yang mereka lakukan SEBELUM transisi tersebut, semuanya nunjukkin hal yang sama. Mereka nunjukkin kesadarannya kalo udah umur segitu udah banyak perubahan juga yang harus mereka perbuat. Belom pernah gw nemu orang yang udah mau kepala 2, trus malah haha hihi aja. Dan gw termasuk orang-orang yang menyadari akan hal tersebut. 

Bisa gw liat lagi ke belakang apa aja yang udah gw lakukan selama nyaris 20 tahun gw hidup ini. Dan gw sebenernya merasa cukup bangga. Nggak berpuas diri, tapi bangga. Ternyata udah cukup banyak hal-hal yang udah sempet gw lakukan dan blom sempet dilakukan orang-orang sebaya gw. Mungkin udah banyak juga orang-orang sebaya gw yang udah bisa ngelakuin banyak hal, bahkan LEBIH banyak hal daripada gw. Tapi Gw cukup puas. Dan gw masih yakin di sisa hidup gw masih bisa sedikit lebih baik dari ini. Gw masih bisa berkembang dan potensi diri gw belom sampe disini.

Untuk kedepannya, mau nggak mau gw juga udah harus mulai mikirin ini dari sekarang. Mau jadi apa gw saat gw bener-bener beranjak dewasa nanti? Harus ngapain? Dan gw pun bersyukur termasuk orang-orang yang udah tau apa yang gw mau. Banyak orang masih bingung dengan pilihan hidupnya sendiri sementara yang gw bingungin adalah gimana cara meraih mimpi-mimpi gw? Jelas gw orang yang beruntung. Gw tau gw pengen jadi apa kedepan, gw tau apa kerjaan dan karya yang pengen gw buat di masa nanti dan gw tau mau jadi orang yang kaya apa nantinya. Dan ternyata transisi umur seperti yang gw alamin sekarang emang bener-bener bisa memacu jalan pikiran gw sampe ke dimensi yang nggak tau deh udah sampe mana. Dan sekali lagi, gw bangga...

Perasaan-perasaan seperti itulah yang kira-kira gw rasain menjelang umur gw yang 20 ini. Dan gw nggak bisa lagi jalan mundur ke titik aman lagi. Now i'm out on my own. Facing life with the new perspective that i've never been familiar before. Made my choices, and time to move on. Life goes on and on and on and on... And it seems that nobody can stop this wheel from turning. I will face ups and downs and faces different crossroads. I will strive to survive all seasons of life and hopefully to make a huge impact on others. Be grown-ups isn't half the fun growing up. And i do think i'll need a lot of growing up to do. Taking responsibility of my own shit to finally become a real man. 

And yes.. Happy Birthday Kes, you're always the pilot of your own life. and this is probably one of your life-changing, turning-point-thing event of your life. And being 20 is always a once in a lifetime occasion... Move on Boy, Move on...!
 

Move on Boy... Move on...!

Silence is gripping my throat

A constant flow is crushing my heart

Removing stains from my left ventricle

I'm bleeding, i vomited fresh blood

The melodies of life keeps me awake, keeps me breathing

and constantly keeping me forward.

Every trails i left, brought me images of past.

And there is silence, i want to go back and I want to go home...

The vastness of black are my witnesses.

They know me just to well, they understands me.

I'm alone between crowds

I Scream in Silence

I laugh in pain

I smile in hatred

but I cried in VICTORY...

And here i stands on top of the clouds.

I reign a new life... And i'm on my own

I love and I Hate, but i still headed forward.

I'll walk if i can't run

I'll go in steps if i have to

I'll crawl if i must

But i will never Give Up!!

I will never give up.

I'll move on, kicking wheel of life and keep heading forward...

Move on Boy...

Move on Boy...

*My first ever attempt on playing with words OTHER THAN song lyrics...

ca. February 2008, scribbled unconsciously in my black book...