Honesty

I'm really down today :/

I just need a good night's sleep and a cuddle and someone to say everything's going to be OK.

2 Minds

to split or not to split... that is the question.

I think the only way forward is to just stop trying as hard and for me to give up drugs

Once this is complete, I'm laughing, right?

maybe.


time will tell.


I'm not 90% happy anymore, harsh words were exchanged last night and I was on the verge of leaving.

I keep pushing and pushing, but for what exactly?

Always in the Way

The worst thing about a relationship, nope not the moaning.

The ex.

Yup, Abi's Ex Liam is in the fucking way again.

I'm treating Abi to a four star hotel in Edinburgh for her birthday mostly because it makes her happy and that smile is just so worth it. The second reason is whisk us both away from our usual places and hide us to five days of pure heaven on our own. BLISS.

I can't even post a status on facebook about it in case he sees it.

We can't put a relationship thing on there in case he sees.

I sit round her house and miss out on talking to her for an hour because he calls her.

I miss gigs in case he turns up for a fight.

I've lost friends who are friends with him.

But all of this is the same, I I I I I I, everythings I. What about her? How does Abi feel?

Obviously I can only say so much to Abi, I can moan and rant which is what I typically do but I have to try and understand that she has completely upheaved her life, her friends and most of all her love for me.

That's a massive deal and I know it's worth it eventually. It's just frustrating that we have to suffer because of some greaseball bastard.

Nothing ever runs smoothly does it? *sigh*

Argh well, she's worth it. All of it.

Drug, Happy, Drug.

I think this is geuinely the longest I've stayed in the same mood now - happiness.

Why?

Why hasn't the God of Bipolar struck me down and left me whimpering like a lost lamb, simply because of this woman.

I genuinely don't think I would've done this without her and as close as we've become, I think I am now in a position to show her chapters of this blog, not to gauge a reaction but to simply share my honest and true feelings with another.

This is a massive step forward whether it turns out to be good or bad, time will tell but after reading extracts to her last night over the phone, the support and appreciation I received for it was perfect.

Perfect, just like her.

I love you x

Actions speak louder than words

So yesterday (Tuesday) I had a very strange day?

I woke up on a high and went to work yet due to a lack of sleep and now working on my own, my mind is led elsewhere and despite my harshest efforts, I fall down the horrible trap of thinking too deeply into everything. I spoke to Abi on the phone and knowing I couldn't see her for over 5 days and especially seen we hadn't completely sorted us. Mr bipolar strikes again and hits me hard this time, I go into the toilet at work and I cry. 5 minutes passes and I'm still in hysterics. Why?
I need to get out of here, I need to get out of work.

I ring Abi and tell her, I can't help but cry down the phone and tell her I'm just having a bad day. Again my fear strikes when I tell her this. Will she get freaked out by my bipolar?

I can only tell her so much, it's only fair.

I'm so much baggage and this is paranoia, bipolar and depression making me think.

THEN

Abi being her usual amazing self comes up with a plan, get a train to hers after work.

I can honestly say last night was one of the best evenings I've had with Abi so far yet we didn't do much, we didn't drink much, we just relaxed yet I found myself staring into her beautiful eyes as we lay next to each other still panting from our shared orgasms after the most amazing catch up sex.

Her eyes really do light up perfectly when she smiles, her cheek bones raise high and her gleaming teeth are laid bare as her lips curl up into the most perfect smile.

What feelings run through me now you ask?

Security. The sense of feeling safe, I feel so relieved and absolutely estastic.

Abi truly is my sense of ecstasy and I doubt any drug or alcohol could push me to the stratosphere of happiness that she does.

Words cannot truly express how happy I was and I felt that last night I slept for the first time in my life.

Fuck Up V2

Abi let me down on Saturday. Big time. 

After everything and after getting to a point where we're feeling stronger about each other and getting to a point whereby we admitted our love for each other. I walk in the main room of a huge house party in order to find her arms around another guy being kissed on the neck and enjoying it. 

She can't deny it. 

As much as she likes, she can't. 

That image of her and this guy in such an embrace before my very eyes truly broke every single good thing. I'm not entirely sure I can get over this. I can't get it out my head. The look on her face, the enjoyment, the point of no care was written all over her face and her words afterwards: "If a guy kisses me on the neck, I'm going to enjoy it aren't I" 

Is this the end? 

Truly, my only friend? 

Music & Soul

I have purposely not written in this blog for several days / weeks now in order to pursue a more realistic view rather than just using this as a means of relaying my fears & feelings.

The below song really has meaning for me at the moment, Tell Me by Wide Eyed really does signify exactly how I feel at this present time.

Why have I become so paranoid?
 
"I know I'll never impress but I can always interest you"
 "Tell me whats wrong with you"

 I scream looking at my swollen eyes. My beating chest can't take much more.