Honesty

I'm really down today :/

I just need a good night's sleep and a cuddle and someone to say everything's going to be OK.

2 Minds

to split or not to split... that is the question.

I think the only way forward is to just stop trying as hard and for me to give up drugs

Once this is complete, I'm laughing, right?

maybe.


time will tell.


I'm not 90% happy anymore, harsh words were exchanged last night and I was on the verge of leaving.

I keep pushing and pushing, but for what exactly?

Always in the Way

The worst thing about a relationship, nope not the moaning.

The ex.

Yup, Abi's Ex Liam is in the fucking way again.

I'm treating Abi to a four star hotel in Edinburgh for her birthday mostly because it makes her happy and that smile is just so worth it. The second reason is whisk us both away from our usual places and hide us to five days of pure heaven on our own. BLISS.

I can't even post a status on facebook about it in case he sees it.

We can't put a relationship thing on there in case he sees.

I sit round her house and miss out on talking to her for an hour because he calls her.

I miss gigs in case he turns up for a fight.

I've lost friends who are friends with him.

But all of this is the same, I I I I I I, everythings I. What about her? How does Abi feel?

Obviously I can only say so much to Abi, I can moan and rant which is what I typically do but I have to try and understand that she has completely upheaved her life, her friends and most of all her love for me.

That's a massive deal and I know it's worth it eventually. It's just frustrating that we have to suffer because of some greaseball bastard.

Nothing ever runs smoothly does it? *sigh*

Argh well, she's worth it. All of it.

Drug, Happy, Drug.

I think this is geuinely the longest I've stayed in the same mood now - happiness.

Why?

Why hasn't the God of Bipolar struck me down and left me whimpering like a lost lamb, simply because of this woman.

I genuinely don't think I would've done this without her and as close as we've become, I think I am now in a position to show her chapters of this blog, not to gauge a reaction but to simply share my honest and true feelings with another.

This is a massive step forward whether it turns out to be good or bad, time will tell but after reading extracts to her last night over the phone, the support and appreciation I received for it was perfect.

Perfect, just like her.

I love you x

Actions speak louder than words

So yesterday (Tuesday) I had a very strange day?

I woke up on a high and went to work yet due to a lack of sleep and now working on my own, my mind is led elsewhere and despite my harshest efforts, I fall down the horrible trap of thinking too deeply into everything. I spoke to Abi on the phone and knowing I couldn't see her for over 5 days and especially seen we hadn't completely sorted us. Mr bipolar strikes again and hits me hard this time, I go into the toilet at work and I cry. 5 minutes passes and I'm still in hysterics. Why?
I need to get out of here, I need to get out of work.

I ring Abi and tell her, I can't help but cry down the phone and tell her I'm just having a bad day. Again my fear strikes when I tell her this. Will she get freaked out by my bipolar?

I can only tell her so much, it's only fair.

I'm so much baggage and this is paranoia, bipolar and depression making me think.

THEN

Abi being her usual amazing self comes up with a plan, get a train to hers after work.

I can honestly say last night was one of the best evenings I've had with Abi so far yet we didn't do much, we didn't drink much, we just relaxed yet I found myself staring into her beautiful eyes as we lay next to each other still panting from our shared orgasms after the most amazing catch up sex.

Her eyes really do light up perfectly when she smiles, her cheek bones raise high and her gleaming teeth are laid bare as her lips curl up into the most perfect smile.

What feelings run through me now you ask?

Security. The sense of feeling safe, I feel so relieved and absolutely estastic.

Abi truly is my sense of ecstasy and I doubt any drug or alcohol could push me to the stratosphere of happiness that she does.

Words cannot truly express how happy I was and I felt that last night I slept for the first time in my life.

Fuck Up V2

Abi let me down on Saturday. Big time. 

After everything and after getting to a point where we're feeling stronger about each other and getting to a point whereby we admitted our love for each other. I walk in the main room of a huge house party in order to find her arms around another guy being kissed on the neck and enjoying it. 

She can't deny it. 

As much as she likes, she can't. 

That image of her and this guy in such an embrace before my very eyes truly broke every single good thing. I'm not entirely sure I can get over this. I can't get it out my head. The look on her face, the enjoyment, the point of no care was written all over her face and her words afterwards: "If a guy kisses me on the neck, I'm going to enjoy it aren't I" 

Is this the end? 

Truly, my only friend? 

Music & Soul

I have purposely not written in this blog for several days / weeks now in order to pursue a more realistic view rather than just using this as a means of relaying my fears & feelings.

The below song really has meaning for me at the moment, Tell Me by Wide Eyed really does signify exactly how I feel at this present time.

Why have I become so paranoid?
 
"I know I'll never impress but I can always interest you"
 "Tell me whats wrong with you"

 I scream looking at my swollen eyes. My beating chest can't take much more.

Monday Blues

Feel the need to scream and cry. Worse than ever now.

Abi met her ex Liam last night for the first time in quite a while in order to discuss the fact that they're over or so I am lead to believe.

"I'll meet him for an hour and half then I'll come meet you"

that was 7 hours ago and she is still with him. Why isn't she picking up her phone and why isn't she reading my messages? She reads them and replies with "simone said you're a manslag" what?

What the fucks going on?

I'm on my own in my freezing cold car crying, looking out over Chasewater, I can see a group of lads having a bonfire and drinking in the distance. Why can't I be normal like them, why am I always alone in this. I can't even keep hold of the girl who could potentially fix whatevers wrong with me and lead me to attempt a normal life.

This blog is the only other outlet I have.

---- UPDATE ------

She finally got back to me and confirmed that Im the one she wants yet shes drunk and has been with him now for what, 7/8 hours? enough time to fuck.

I don't know what to believe anymore. The temptation to drive my car into the lake, lock my doors and fuck everything is way too tempting.

------ UPDATE ------

I feel much better now and I can safely say the above feelings were a huge low and a massive bout of paranoia however! things are on the up, Abi & I are okay, we sorted things and it turns out I am just one paranoid bastard.

It scares me however that one huge bout of this paranoia could throw her away when that's the last thing I want.

Abi, Abi, Abi, Abi, Work, Work, Abi, Abi, Abi, Abi, Sex, Abi - my thoughts today lol

Sunday Soul / Hotel Room

 SUNDAY 6:10am

Sunday morning, I'm sitting here awake in the Old Lion Hotel or something in Atherstone near Tamworth.
A treat from my beautiful other half for us to get away from everything but instead has turned into me sniffing for the past 12 hours. I'm still wide awake and yet all I can do is sit here now looking over this beautiful girl as she sleeps (freak? fuck off!) but I just truly wish she knew how I felt about her. I'm so so so scared, I'm genuinely frightened so much so that I get short of breath and clench my tightening chest because I fear and envisage her departure from my worn out and useless existence.

I'm crying now, tears rolling down my face as she moves slightly and breathes heavily, lost in another world far away from the emotional carcass that I have become only 3 yards away.

Why do I get myself so down and what would she say if she woke up and saw me like this.
Don't say drugs are bad because they're meant to push you high not bring out feelings. Joy of bipolar, Mcat is now hit or miss.

I keep running to the toilet each time she stirs, I'll have to tell her I'm jacking off! Surely that's the man thing to do right?

She found it

Worst weekend ever.

Abi found out about the video and turns out she had done for some time.

Why didn't she just confront me? She says because we were going so good but that must mean she didn't accept anything I said to her which I realistically meant for example "I REALLY FUCKING LIKE YOU"

I had a dream just last night where I could see her running towards and then straight past me as I'm screaming her name, grabbing onto her for her to shrug me off and carry on. This is the worst part. Completely ignored by the one you love.

I've been tempted to show her this blog to say look, I have to write a blog for a pyschatrist and my own means and I've mentioned you more than anything else! But I can't afford to freak her away.

I only recently told her I had bipolar and I don't think she understands the mood swings and I'm shit scared I'm going to have a low and scare her away.

My mind is truly in other places today and I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing.

I think me and Abi will be okay but I don't know anymore.

That scares me more than death itself.

I mean that.

How to fuck up in 2 weeks

That girl. Abi.

I fucked up.

big time.


I sent a video of myself masturbating to a girl who I'd regularly had textsex with in the past and Abi found out. I was wired, drunk and in all honesty just had a bit of a kick out of doing something forbidden. But the guilt swiftly came by and in a similar fashion to lovesickness, I was overcome by worry that I'd fucked up. So much so I could hardly face Abi the next day (yesterday). I hope she doesn't realise and i've text Natalie to say enough is enough.

Fucked up big time. I really can't lose Abi, I can't go back to Post number 1.

Pray.

CHANGE - GIRL - ENTER ABIGAIL

So yeah, the past few weeks have been a whirlwind in the state of things, no longer do I feel completely alone because hello and welcome to Abigail, that's right I've started seeing someone. Her name is Abi, she's 17 and is absolutely gorgeous, like seriously wow.

(You know that girl that you think, just HOW did I pull this off?!)

I already knew who she was and that she was in a relationship and me being me never really attempted to talk to her but invited her out on a group night until I noticed she was single or rather I got told by the girl in question which was a big plus in my favour.

ANYWHO we met on this particular Saturday night, both sniffed out of our trees and we just connected. Like a key to a door or cigarettes to a lighter, we just clicked.

I never click usually with girls, if anything I view them as untrustworthy and a problem waiting to happen, can you tell I was cheated on? ahaa however with Abi I feel completely different. I feel like my life is heading somewhere like I am heading towards a new chapter, a better chapter. Strange how this wonderful girl has had such an impact in such a short amount of time. This is real. That's the best part, all of this isn't wishful thinking. It's reality.

Anywho we spent all Friday night together into Saturday and into Sunday where I dropped her home Sunday afternoon on a comedown, depressed and to be honest lovesick. I'd caught it. The non-stopping germ that spreads throughout the body devouring all other emotions in it's path and instead leaves behind a simple <3 in my starstruck soul.

It's been a week now and this girl is in the INchanger. Something about this girl rings different, I've never met anyone like her, shes intelligent, funny, gorgeous but most of all I feel I can tell her my world.

Abi is without a doubt the single most precious thing in my empty life at this moment in time and yet the feelings hang that I will fuck this up, something I will do will cause this glint of happiness, this spark of light in my dark tunnel to forever go out and once again I will be alone.

Maybe i'll even show her this blog.

Time will tell eh x

Reasons

So due to the fact I've recently being diagnosed with having bipolar, I decided to write a blog on exactly what, why, how, feelings and all the other bullshit crap that springs into my tiny mind. 
I don't really want this as a public blog but if someone did perhaps come along and read and maybe even strangely felt a connection, comments are always welcome. That is after all why we humans get along best, emotional support. 

Emotions, theirs a key word for ya! 

I must go through 2131283 different emotions each day and why? What good does it achieve. 

FUCK ALL. 

"Why didn't you turn out as we planned"

This evening, I was told by my father "why didn't you turn out as anything we could be proud of" - he said this moments after I told him I was to arrange a meeting with a psychologist due to a doctor / nurse referral after feeling severely depressed for over 6 months and taking "highs" drugs in order to battle this and attempt a "normal" social life.
It's quite upsetting that I don't have friends who I can quite easily open up too and know they are there but am instead forced to jot my simple plea for help on nothing but a mindless blog with no hope of ever receiving a response but for it to simply stay on screen and do nothing but blink back at me, as lost as I feel.

Thoughts of contemplation are growing ever stronger and this is really worrying me.