Worst weekend ever.
Abi found out about the video and turns out she had done for some time.
Why didn't she just confront me? She says because we were going so good but that must mean she didn't accept anything I said to her which I realistically meant for example "I REALLY FUCKING LIKE YOU"
I had a dream just last night where I could see her running towards and then straight past me as I'm screaming her name, grabbing onto her for her to shrug me off and carry on. This is the worst part. Completely ignored by the one you love.
I've been tempted to show her this blog to say look, I have to write a blog for a pyschatrist and my own means and I've mentioned you more than anything else! But I can't afford to freak her away.
I only recently told her I had bipolar and I don't think she understands the mood swings and I'm shit scared I'm going to have a low and scare her away.
My mind is truly in other places today and I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing.
I think me and Abi will be okay but I don't know anymore.
That scares me more than death itself.
I mean that.
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