I have purposely not written in this blog for several days / weeks now in order to pursue a more realistic view rather than just using this as a means of relaying my fears & feelings.
The below song really has meaning for me at the moment, Tell Me by Wide Eyed really does signify exactly how I feel at this present time.
Why have I become so paranoid?
"I know I'll never impress but I can always interest you"
"Tell me whats wrong with you"
I scream looking at my swollen eyes. My beating chest can't take much more.
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
Monday Blues
Feel the need to scream and cry. Worse than ever now.
Abi met her ex Liam last night for the first time in quite a while in order to discuss the fact that they're over or so I am lead to believe.
"I'll meet him for an hour and half then I'll come meet you"
that was 7 hours ago and she is still with him. Why isn't she picking up her phone and why isn't she reading my messages? She reads them and replies with "simone said you're a manslag" what?
What the fucks going on?
I'm on my own in my freezing cold car crying, looking out over Chasewater, I can see a group of lads having a bonfire and drinking in the distance. Why can't I be normal like them, why am I always alone in this. I can't even keep hold of the girl who could potentially fix whatevers wrong with me and lead me to attempt a normal life.
This blog is the only other outlet I have.
---- UPDATE ------
She finally got back to me and confirmed that Im the one she wants yet shes drunk and has been with him now for what, 7/8 hours? enough time to fuck.
I don't know what to believe anymore. The temptation to drive my car into the lake, lock my doors and fuck everything is way too tempting.
------ UPDATE ------
I feel much better now and I can safely say the above feelings were a huge low and a massive bout of paranoia however! things are on the up, Abi & I are okay, we sorted things and it turns out I am just one paranoid bastard.
It scares me however that one huge bout of this paranoia could throw her away when that's the last thing I want.
Abi, Abi, Abi, Abi, Work, Work, Abi, Abi, Abi, Abi, Sex, Abi - my thoughts today lol
Abi met her ex Liam last night for the first time in quite a while in order to discuss the fact that they're over or so I am lead to believe.
"I'll meet him for an hour and half then I'll come meet you"
that was 7 hours ago and she is still with him. Why isn't she picking up her phone and why isn't she reading my messages? She reads them and replies with "simone said you're a manslag" what?
What the fucks going on?
I'm on my own in my freezing cold car crying, looking out over Chasewater, I can see a group of lads having a bonfire and drinking in the distance. Why can't I be normal like them, why am I always alone in this. I can't even keep hold of the girl who could potentially fix whatevers wrong with me and lead me to attempt a normal life.
This blog is the only other outlet I have.
---- UPDATE ------
She finally got back to me and confirmed that Im the one she wants yet shes drunk and has been with him now for what, 7/8 hours? enough time to fuck.
I don't know what to believe anymore. The temptation to drive my car into the lake, lock my doors and fuck everything is way too tempting.
------ UPDATE ------
I feel much better now and I can safely say the above feelings were a huge low and a massive bout of paranoia however! things are on the up, Abi & I are okay, we sorted things and it turns out I am just one paranoid bastard.
It scares me however that one huge bout of this paranoia could throw her away when that's the last thing I want.
Abi, Abi, Abi, Abi, Work, Work, Abi, Abi, Abi, Abi, Sex, Abi - my thoughts today lol
Sunday Soul / Hotel Room
SUNDAY 6:10am
Sunday morning, I'm sitting here awake in the Old Lion Hotel or something in Atherstone near Tamworth.
A treat from my beautiful other half for us to get away from everything but instead has turned into me sniffing for the past 12 hours. I'm still wide awake and yet all I can do is sit here now looking over this beautiful girl as she sleeps (freak? fuck off!) but I just truly wish she knew how I felt about her. I'm so so so scared, I'm genuinely frightened so much so that I get short of breath and clench my tightening chest because I fear and envisage her departure from my worn out and useless existence.
I'm crying now, tears rolling down my face as she moves slightly and breathes heavily, lost in another world far away from the emotional carcass that I have become only 3 yards away.
Why do I get myself so down and what would she say if she woke up and saw me like this.
Don't say drugs are bad because they're meant to push you high not bring out feelings. Joy of bipolar, Mcat is now hit or miss.
I keep running to the toilet each time she stirs, I'll have to tell her I'm jacking off! Surely that's the man thing to do right?
Sunday morning, I'm sitting here awake in the Old Lion Hotel or something in Atherstone near Tamworth.
A treat from my beautiful other half for us to get away from everything but instead has turned into me sniffing for the past 12 hours. I'm still wide awake and yet all I can do is sit here now looking over this beautiful girl as she sleeps (freak? fuck off!) but I just truly wish she knew how I felt about her. I'm so so so scared, I'm genuinely frightened so much so that I get short of breath and clench my tightening chest because I fear and envisage her departure from my worn out and useless existence.
I'm crying now, tears rolling down my face as she moves slightly and breathes heavily, lost in another world far away from the emotional carcass that I have become only 3 yards away.
Why do I get myself so down and what would she say if she woke up and saw me like this.
Don't say drugs are bad because they're meant to push you high not bring out feelings. Joy of bipolar, Mcat is now hit or miss.
I keep running to the toilet each time she stirs, I'll have to tell her I'm jacking off! Surely that's the man thing to do right?
She found it
Worst weekend ever.
Abi found out about the video and turns out she had done for some time.
Why didn't she just confront me? She says because we were going so good but that must mean she didn't accept anything I said to her which I realistically meant for example "I REALLY FUCKING LIKE YOU"
I had a dream just last night where I could see her running towards and then straight past me as I'm screaming her name, grabbing onto her for her to shrug me off and carry on. This is the worst part. Completely ignored by the one you love.
I've been tempted to show her this blog to say look, I have to write a blog for a pyschatrist and my own means and I've mentioned you more than anything else! But I can't afford to freak her away.
I only recently told her I had bipolar and I don't think she understands the mood swings and I'm shit scared I'm going to have a low and scare her away.
My mind is truly in other places today and I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing.
I think me and Abi will be okay but I don't know anymore.
That scares me more than death itself.
I mean that.
Abi found out about the video and turns out she had done for some time.
Why didn't she just confront me? She says because we were going so good but that must mean she didn't accept anything I said to her which I realistically meant for example "I REALLY FUCKING LIKE YOU"
I had a dream just last night where I could see her running towards and then straight past me as I'm screaming her name, grabbing onto her for her to shrug me off and carry on. This is the worst part. Completely ignored by the one you love.
I've been tempted to show her this blog to say look, I have to write a blog for a pyschatrist and my own means and I've mentioned you more than anything else! But I can't afford to freak her away.
I only recently told her I had bipolar and I don't think she understands the mood swings and I'm shit scared I'm going to have a low and scare her away.
My mind is truly in other places today and I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing.
I think me and Abi will be okay but I don't know anymore.
That scares me more than death itself.
I mean that.
How to fuck up in 2 weeks
That girl. Abi.
I fucked up.
big time.
I sent a video of myself masturbating to a girl who I'd regularly had textsex with in the past and Abi found out. I was wired, drunk and in all honesty just had a bit of a kick out of doing something forbidden. But the guilt swiftly came by and in a similar fashion to lovesickness, I was overcome by worry that I'd fucked up. So much so I could hardly face Abi the next day (yesterday). I hope she doesn't realise and i've text Natalie to say enough is enough.
Fucked up big time. I really can't lose Abi, I can't go back to Post number 1.
Pray.
I fucked up.
big time.
I sent a video of myself masturbating to a girl who I'd regularly had textsex with in the past and Abi found out. I was wired, drunk and in all honesty just had a bit of a kick out of doing something forbidden. But the guilt swiftly came by and in a similar fashion to lovesickness, I was overcome by worry that I'd fucked up. So much so I could hardly face Abi the next day (yesterday). I hope she doesn't realise and i've text Natalie to say enough is enough.
Fucked up big time. I really can't lose Abi, I can't go back to Post number 1.
Pray.
CHANGE - GIRL - ENTER ABIGAIL
So yeah, the past few weeks have been a whirlwind in the state of things, no longer do I feel completely alone because hello and welcome to Abigail, that's right I've started seeing someone. Her name is Abi, she's 17 and is absolutely gorgeous, like seriously wow.
(You know that girl that you think, just HOW did I pull this off?!)
I already knew who she was and that she was in a relationship and me being me never really attempted to talk to her but invited her out on a group night until I noticed she was single or rather I got told by the girl in question which was a big plus in my favour.
ANYWHO we met on this particular Saturday night, both sniffed out of our trees and we just connected. Like a key to a door or cigarettes to a lighter, we just clicked.
I never click usually with girls, if anything I view them as untrustworthy and a problem waiting to happen, can you tell I was cheated on? ahaa however with Abi I feel completely different. I feel like my life is heading somewhere like I am heading towards a new chapter, a better chapter. Strange how this wonderful girl has had such an impact in such a short amount of time. This is real. That's the best part, all of this isn't wishful thinking. It's reality.
Anywho we spent all Friday night together into Saturday and into Sunday where I dropped her home Sunday afternoon on a comedown, depressed and to be honest lovesick. I'd caught it. The non-stopping germ that spreads throughout the body devouring all other emotions in it's path and instead leaves behind a simple <3 in my starstruck soul.
It's been a week now and this girl is in the INchanger. Something about this girl rings different, I've never met anyone like her, shes intelligent, funny, gorgeous but most of all I feel I can tell her my world.
Abi is without a doubt the single most precious thing in my empty life at this moment in time and yet the feelings hang that I will fuck this up, something I will do will cause this glint of happiness, this spark of light in my dark tunnel to forever go out and once again I will be alone.
Maybe i'll even show her this blog.
Time will tell eh x
(You know that girl that you think, just HOW did I pull this off?!)
I already knew who she was and that she was in a relationship and me being me never really attempted to talk to her but invited her out on a group night until I noticed she was single or rather I got told by the girl in question which was a big plus in my favour.
ANYWHO we met on this particular Saturday night, both sniffed out of our trees and we just connected. Like a key to a door or cigarettes to a lighter, we just clicked.
I never click usually with girls, if anything I view them as untrustworthy and a problem waiting to happen, can you tell I was cheated on? ahaa however with Abi I feel completely different. I feel like my life is heading somewhere like I am heading towards a new chapter, a better chapter. Strange how this wonderful girl has had such an impact in such a short amount of time. This is real. That's the best part, all of this isn't wishful thinking. It's reality.
Anywho we spent all Friday night together into Saturday and into Sunday where I dropped her home Sunday afternoon on a comedown, depressed and to be honest lovesick. I'd caught it. The non-stopping germ that spreads throughout the body devouring all other emotions in it's path and instead leaves behind a simple <3 in my starstruck soul.
It's been a week now and this girl is in the INchanger. Something about this girl rings different, I've never met anyone like her, shes intelligent, funny, gorgeous but most of all I feel I can tell her my world.
Abi is without a doubt the single most precious thing in my empty life at this moment in time and yet the feelings hang that I will fuck this up, something I will do will cause this glint of happiness, this spark of light in my dark tunnel to forever go out and once again I will be alone.
Maybe i'll even show her this blog.
Time will tell eh x
Reasons
So due to the fact I've recently being diagnosed with having bipolar, I decided to write a blog on exactly what, why, how, feelings and all the other bullshit crap that springs into my tiny mind.
I don't really want this as a public blog but if someone did perhaps come along and read and maybe even strangely felt a connection, comments are always welcome. That is after all why we humans get along best, emotional support.
Emotions, theirs a key word for ya!
I must go through 2131283 different emotions each day and why? What good does it achieve.
FUCK ALL.
I don't really want this as a public blog but if someone did perhaps come along and read and maybe even strangely felt a connection, comments are always welcome. That is after all why we humans get along best, emotional support.
Emotions, theirs a key word for ya!
I must go through 2131283 different emotions each day and why? What good does it achieve.
FUCK ALL.
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